The Bred and the Bald: Super-Squirrel and Wonder Wabbit
No More Excuses
Super-Squirrel decides to take a chance with Wonder Wabbit, who is still heartbroken over Captain Carrot. But is he prepared for what she has to say under the truth-compelling power of the magic lasso?
The JLA Satellite orbiting Earth-C-Minus, Valentine’s Day:
The mighty heroes of Just’a Lotta Animals had just completed their latest mission, a battle against the combined villainy of seven of the Elephantom Zone villains, as well as Desparrot, Amazoo, Feline Faust, Spinstero, the Shaggy Dawg, Lex Lemur, and the fearsome Barkseid himself. The heroes were all understandably quite spent. It had taken the entire team, plus the combined aid of the Phantom Strange-hare and Adam Spur-range — who successfully kept his adopted world of Ramm from being taken over by the Elephantom Zone villains — to emerge triumphant in that battle, and even then it was a very close call.
Wonder Wabbit looked the most worn-out of all, though that didn’t surprise Super-Squirrel in the slightest. It seemed she had been pushing herself extra hard in battle for the past four months, especially in the last few weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day.
Diana Prance and Rodney Rabbit — Captain Carrot of Earth-C — once had an ongoing will they or won’t they? kind of relationship that often promised to become something more. But all that ended a few months back in October, when Captain Carrot began dating Alley-Kat-Abra and told Diana that he was serious about her. (*) Although Diana and Rodney had never officially become a couple themselves, it was painful for Diana to learn that now they never would.
[(*) Editor’s note: See Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew: The Dark Side of the Crew, Chapter 13: The Wrap-Up.]
Wonder Wabbit did her best to carry on, even taking up another cross-dimensional romance for a couple of months with Hoppy the Marvel Bunny, whom she met on the rebound. And she and Hoppy were delighted when they quickly realized that they’d actually met shortly before, in what they’d both at first assumed was a dream. (*) But her relationship with Marvel Bunny was not fated to last.
[(*) Editor’s note: See “Roquat’s Red Glare,” The Oz-Wonderland War #2 (February, 1986).]
The final straw had been when Wonder Wabbit decided to use her mother’s Magic Sphere to look in on Captain Carrot on Christmas Eve, just to see how he was doing. Diana was crushed to watch as Rodney Rabbit declared his love for Felina Furr while standing under the mistletoe. (*) Wonder Wabbit could tell, just by the way those two looked at each other, they they had found true love. Although on the one hand she was happy for them, this revelation absolutely killed any hope she might have subconsciously had about getting back together with the heroic hare from Earth-C.
[(*) Editor’s note: See The Bred and the Bald: Captain Carrot and Alley-Kat Abra: Under the Mistletoe.]
She and Marvel Bunny broke things off shortly after in January, since Hoppy could tell over the Christmas holidays that things would never become serious between them, and that Diana was still pining for Rodney. Besides, Hoppy realized he’d left a good thing behind with his old girlfriend, Millie, and he decided to make things up to her. Of course, Wonder Wabbit always had her old boyfriend Major Steve Retriever to fall back on, but Diana felt they couldn’t ever really be equals; she knew that Steve’s interest in her was just puppy love.
Super-Squirrel had vocally expressed his concern for his teammate — who was also the object of his unrequited affections for years — several times over the last few months, but the Animalzon she-rabbit absolutely refused to listen to him. Well, the champion from Chipton decided, this time he would make her listen, even if he had to tie her up with her own magic lasso to do it (just so they could talk, of course — get your minds out of the gutter, readers).
As he found himself alone with her in the JLA Satellite, Super-Squirrel gently took Wonder Wabbit by one hand, then grabbed her magic lasso at super-speed and managed to bind her with her own lasso.
“Great Hare-a!” she shouted. “Super-Squirrel, what are you doing?!”
“I’m doing what we both should have done a long time ago — tell each other the truth about a few things,” Super-Squirrel began, speaking as gently as he could. Although talking of feelings and being sensitive was something that didn’t make him comfortable in the least, he still had some experience with showing a more sensitive side in his role as mild-mannered reporter Clerk Scent of the Muttropolis Daily Pageant.
Once she was firmly bound by her magic lasso, which compelled anyone bound by it to tell the absolute truth, he then tied some of it around his own right wrist. “OK, Diana, I really am sorry for doing this to you, but this time I want absolutely no excuses as to why you won’t listen to me when I say you are trying too hard.”
Wonder Wabbit sighed and said, “I know you’re worried, Super-Squirrel, but I can’t help still seeing Rodney’s face in my dreams. Blast it — I should be mature enough to accept that long-distance relationships rarely work out, and let’s face it, you don’t get too much more long-distant than separate universes. But I still love him, Super-Squirrel, and though I am happy for him, I can’t get him out of my mind when I’m in the midst of battle. That’s why I push myself so hard. Well, that and the fact that my failed relationship with Hoppy took a toll of its own.”
Diana sighed and added, “But there is someone else I have feelings for, Super-Squirrel. I just know it wouldn’t work out, though, because I’m a jinx when it comes to relationships. Super-Squirrel — Clerk — the reason I tune you out is that I don’t like facing the fact that I happen to have similar feelings for you that I did — and still do — for Rodney. I can’t face heartbreak a third time, and I know your feelings are still divided between me and Super-Squirrel’s girl friend, Lois Lain.” She began crying as she finished, unable to keep the truth from coming out while under the influence of her own magic lasso.
“Actually, Diana, my attraction to Lois pales in comparison to my feelings for you,” replied Clerk, who was also forced to tell the truth while the magic lasso was bound to his wrist. “If I had to choose once and for all between the two of you, I’d pick you every time. After all, in addition to being one of the most attractive females I’ve ever known, you are also one of the very few animals who even comes close to equalling me on the battlefield. And you have one of the most compassionate and most courageous hearts I have ever seen. That’s why it pains me to see you suffering so.”
Clerk placed his hand on her shoulder and added, “What I’m trying to say is that, while I like Lois Lain, I love you, Diana.” With that, Super-Squirrel untied Wonder Wabbit and himself, and Diana smiled before giving Clerk a long kiss on the lips.
After a few moments, Wonder Wabbit broke off the deep, romantic kiss and said, “I love you, too, Clerk.” And Super-Squirrel returned the favor with a kiss of his own.