When fading starlet Feather Locklear panics about her declining career, she gains super-powers from the stress and uses them to become the Duck Phoenix. But when the star of Feleena: Warrior Persian goes on a rampage as her warrior character and Cowthie Lee Gibbons uses a machine to make everyone just like her, will Feather be able to handle both threats at once?
That famous Malibaboon mallard, starlet Feather Locklear, was facing a crisis of epic proportions. She was turning thirty! (Gasp!) In Hollywood, that was equal to sixty-five years old in the Midwest. Pacing back and forth for several moments, she only stopped when she realized that stress could cause wrinkles. Instead she stomped her high heels in a patented Feather temper tantrum and thought hard… for a blonde actress, that is.
“I’ll never go on that creepy Irish Setterman Late Night Show again!” she vowed, fuming. A fuming duck was a sight for sore eyes (and a Chinese treat). “The nerve of that gap-toothed canine — asking if I’d had highlights put in my feathers. The very idea!“
“Ms. Locklear?” an aide said through the intercom. “It’s time for your stylist to add those highlights you wanted!”
She tossed a high heel at the speaker and pouted. I star in Hen City! she thought. I made Melrose Coup what it was, and I won’t even mention my days on T.J. Plucker! Still, she worried her career was heading for a decline. Hey, Jaybird Loono never even booked her on the Tune-out Show anymore.
Strangely enough, the stress that Feather was experiencing resulted in an unforeseen metabolic reaction within her body. She wasn’t sure how, but she knew she was developing latent mutant powers of telekinesis without even knowing how to spell the word.
“That’s it!” said Feather resolutely. “I shall save my career by getting adored as a super-heroine,” she vowed. “Yes, my career shall rise from the ashes like the — what do ya call it? Tuskon! No — Phoenix! The Duck Phoenix shall be my name!”
Soon enough, she put together a stylish costume from her large wardrobe that showed off her legs (take that, Ally McVeal) and, wearing it, flew off to find crime… or terror… or something like that.
Little did our heroine know (very little, as shown by her score on Celebrity Jeopardy with Alex Treesloth) that, as the leggy mallard made her way to fight crime (and tan a bit, too), another famous woman was having a crisis all her own.
Cowthie Lee Stiffherd, star of daytime talk shows, singer, and employer of many hatchlings, was very sad. Thumbing through the newspapers (actually her aide turned the pages for her to avoid that icky newsprint), she sang. Cowthie Lee tended to sing instead of talking much of the time. She’d had lessons, don’tcha know, and it made her seem even more talented — or so she imagined.
“The news has crime and war,
It’s plain to see!
The world would be much better
If everyone was me!
If every bear, lion and flea
Wore the clothes I design,
And sang my hit songs
Each thought would be MINE!”
Cowthie Lee cheered up for a while, then decided that, gosh darn it, she’d do it! She’d make the world over in her technicolor, ready for close-up image. But where to start? Equipment, magic?
No, another song.
In a world with meaningful programs like 60 Minnows and the aforementioned Ally McVeal, people needed light entertainment and escapism.
One show that offered fantasy like that was Feleena: Warrior Persian, which starred Mousey Clawless as Feleena, the brave warrior kitty who made life exciting and wore a little black number.
Mousey was getting ready to tape a scene where her sidekick, the perky redheaded turkey Gobbyrielle, was being basted to death by the evil Cowlisto. Running forward, Mousey suddenly tripped on her tail and hit her head. When she awoke some moments later, she thought she really was Feleena the Warrior Persian.
With her battle cry ringing out, “Meow! Meowwwi meow!” she charged out of the studio to slay dragons, stop traffic, and bat at strings. She would also soon meet up with the heroic Feather Locklear.
While Mousey Clawless rampaged down the busiest streets of the city of stars, she imagined that, as Feleena, Warrior Persian, she was fighting her old foes Airedale the Dog of War and Cowlisto, the blonder swords-heifer who wore leather — which was odd and somewhat disturbing, since he was, after all, a cow.
“Come on!” she cried. “Face the blade of Feleena! Meow! Meowww!“
Seeing a tour bus, she thought it was a monster and tossed her special milk dish at it. Whirling through the air, it sliced the tires on the bus, which promptly crashed. The tourists on the bus gawked eagerly at the sight.
“Oh, Harold!” said a fat female rabbit. “Look — it’s that lovely Mousey Clawless who caused us to wreck and nearly killed us all! Do you think she’d sign an autograph?”
“I want to see Moo Grant, that British actor,” said another tourist. “Why couldn’t he go on a rampage?”
“He was in that film 4 Wettings and a Being Put to Sleep,” added another.
“I like that star of Flocks!” piped up a kid as Feleena sliced through the bus door and charged the tourists. “The one with that divine mane — Hennifer Aniston!”
At that time, Duck Phoenix (Feather Locklear) floated down to see what she could do to help but was puzzled by the sight. “Say, that’s not part of the tour. I mean, you aren’t supposed to try to kill them, are you?” she asked no one in particular.
As if in response, Feleena the Warrior Persian purred and swung at the shapely Duck Phoenix.
“Cut that out!” Feather cried. “No! Forget I said that!” A telekinetic shove sent Feleena backward, and she rolled through the air and landed on her feet (being a cat and all).
“Big deal. Can you do this?” asked a miffed Miss Locklear. Turning away from Feleena, who tossed the sharp milk dish at her head, she whirled back around with a sultry look on her face. “It’s time the two of us got to some hot and heavy molting,” she breathed.
Feleena continued her attack, and Feather barely deflected the dish in time with a mental shield. “That is so not fair!” she said, pouting.
“Hellooo! Kisses, kisses!” said a blonde ape with a microphone. “I’m Fleaza Gibbons, and I’m here on the spot to report that two costumed figures resembling Feather Locklear in a green mini-dress and Mousey Clawless in character as Feleena: Warrior Persian are battling it out in the street! I’ll see if I can get an interview before that annoying Bah-Bah Walters or Mareidith Wheeera gets it.”
Suddenly, Feleena slapped Fleaza Gibbons silly and then fled across the street.
“No comment by Feleena!” said Fleaza. “There you have it, folks. Cats who carry swords!”
Feather, in her costumed identity as Duck Phoenix, was really miffed by now. Her trademarked coiff was mussed, and her pantyhose had a run in them. She pouted, creating a psychic blast that knocked Feleena flat.
At that moment they stopped their battle, for — to their horror (and this is pretty scary, mind you) — every person in sight had turned into an exact copy of Cowthie Lee Stiffherd!
The two heroines were immune (due to the fact that — if they weren’t, I’d need a new heroine, and I’m really busy on four other story sites, OK?).
“We must band together to stop this evil!” vowed Feleena.
Feather agreed bravely. “Whatever!”
They gasped as men, women, and hatchlings alike sported red hair and sang songs about cruise lines and being a suburban superstar.
You know, this super-heroine stuff is really, really scary! thought Feather. “So, how do we track down the real Cowthie Lee?” she asked.
“Simple,” said Feleena. “We do what any huntress would do in our case.”
“Follow the sound of really bad singing?” suggested a hopeful Miss Locklear.
“No — look it up in TV Guide!” offered Feleena.
“Oh!” said Feather, smiling.
Sure enough, in the Cheers and Jeers section, there was one of those preview grids that read:
“Cowthie Lee Stiffherd tries to take over the world by making all residents exactly like her! Take over bid starts at 8:00 (7:00 central). Parental Guidance is suggested, ’cause things could get rilly silly.”
“It’s so simple when you think!” said a giggling Feather.
“Isn’t it?” replied Feleena.
They headed to the TV station named in honor of the famous talk show queen: Faceland. Entering after a wait, which really steamed Feather, they saw the one and only (well, up to an hour ago she was the one and only — now she’s one of about six billion, but I digress) Cowthie Lee Stiffherd posing for photos with herself!
“Now that’s vain!” said Feather, who herself had stopped to pose for a few wallet-sized photos herself before continuing on with the life or death struggle.
Duck Phoenix and Feleena the Warrior Persian approached the starstruck Cowthie Lee, who was stuck on herself. “We’ve come to order you to… uh, excuse me a minute,” said Feather. “What are we here for, again?” she whispered.
“World conquest thingamjig!” hissed Feleena.
“Oh, right,” said Feather, grinning. She put her hands on her hips and, in her best Melrose Coup attitude-voice, said, “OK, as I was saying, you’ve got to stop this whole mad scheme!”
“Never — I’m making the world a better place by making everyone a little me!” said Cowthie Lee, tossing back her head and causing sound to echo out. The worst and creepiest part of it was that the notes were visible and cracked in midair.
Feleena, Warrior Persian gracefully walked across the floating notes in a way that would have made her producer proud, landing at Cowthie Lee’s throne, where she tackled her. They rolled around, clawing and scratching at each other for several minutes.
Suddenly, a photographer walked up and Cowthie said, “Could ya hold that pose for half a sec?” She had a few more photos taken (some with kids rented for the event).
Feather ran up to Cowthie as she crawled away from the fierce Feleena. “My psycha… psycho… um, my mental boo-boo will stop you!” she said. Then she looked down and squealed, “Oh, wait — I adore those shoes!”
Cowthie Lee got up and said, “Darling, I got these at the little place on Wilshire! We must do lunch sometime, if I don’t kill you today!”
“That is sooo nice!” said Duck Phoenix. Then the two suddenly resumed battle as she blasted Cowthie Lee.
The truth began to sink in, and Cowthie Lee shrieked in terror. “If everyone looks like me and sounds like me,” she said, “then — then I won’t be special anymore!” She burst into tears as Feleena and Duck Phoenix adjusted her evil but so chic Me Machine.
After the Me Machine was put in reverse, everyone soon became normal and the heroines flew off arm in arm.
“You know, I think we make a good team,” said Feather. “But I’ve got to get top billing!”
“I’ll wrestle you for it!” declared Feleena.
“Can the National Nosy Supermarket Checkout Trashy Glossy Thingy have someone there to take photos at the time?” asked a curious Duck Phoenix.
“Of course!” replied Feleena.