DC Universe: Something Wacky This Way Comes, Chapter 4: The Host Versus the Legion

by Libbylawrence and Blackwolf247

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The Chocolate Baron stroked his beard and frowned as he found a remnant of a wholesome dessert pie. He licked his lips and turned to his allies. “The three of us should be able to handle him,” he said. “I have studied his past exploits, and I assure you by the name of Debbi Fields herself that I can beat him!”

“I hope so,” the Bureauc-Rat said. “The last thing I want to face is the paperwork after an arrest.”

“I hope you know what you are doing,” said Cooky La Moo as she hid curled up within a deep pit the Baron had created for this purpose. “Hiding like this might put a run in my stockings, and when you stand taller than a skyscraper like me, silk is hard to come by!”

“Cookie, my love, stay still and keep your lovely head down,” said the Baron. “You must trust me!”

She signed in epic frustration and bowed her head until all that could be seen was the back of her huge, blonde head.

“You swear that your study was right?” asked the Baron. “He does fly this way regularly?”

The Bureauc-Rat waved his red tape gun in anger. “Now, don’t go doubting my figures! I know he passes this way nearly every day. I think he must work or live in Coast City.”

At that moment, a green-costumed figure sailed overhead.

“There he is!” cried the Baron, pointing to the flying form of the hero known as Green Lantern.

Green Lantern smiled as he glanced down, and then he thought, What a peaceful day. Maybe I should just get Ollie and jump in the truck and set out to experience some socially relevant heroic adventure.

He hesitated a moment, then smiled broadly. Nah! I’ll just punch out Black Hand with a giant boxing glove and flirt with Carol Ferris! Who needs to feel bad on a great day like this?

Spotting the Bureauc-Rat and the Chocolate Baron, Green Lantern said, “Hmmm, that odd couple seem to be up to no good. They have weird machines, and they are out here in the country where no self-respecting citizen would be in the middle of a workday. That reminds me — I forgot to go to work today, and Ferris Air wanted me to test some kind of new plane or jet or something. Maybe I’ll just quit again and go back into the insurance game, or I could sell toys… or maybe shoes!”

Green Lantern landed in front of the villains and said, “Just what are you two up to? By the way, due to a necessary impurity in my ring, it can’t work against anything colored yellow. Who are you?”

“We are here to lure you down so our partner can trap you thusly!” said the Chocolate Baron.

Green Lantern jumped back as Cooky La Moo sat up and ran her hands through her flowing blonde hair. The emerald hero was swept off his feet by the mountain of blonde hair, and he began to choke and gasp as he struggled to find air.

“My ring won’t work against her hair!” he cried. “Why couldn’t she have been a giant brunette?” Green Lantern found himself helplessly bound in her hair as Cooky stood up and wrapped her locks tightly around the beaten hero.

“OK, OK, OK, we’ve got him,” she said. “Now can we go inside? Having this hero caught within my hair might result in split ends!”

“Excellent work, my dear,” said the Baron. “Once we have him trapped in my sponge cake of death, you can fix your do!”

Green Lantern gazed sadly at the criminals, but he could not use his ring, since it was covered with locks of blonde hair.

They passed an old farmer in a truck who looked up for a moment.

“Sir? Sir?” said Green Lantern. “Due to an impurity in my ring, it won’t work on anything yellow!”

“So?” said the farmer. “Everybody knows that. You tell anyone who passes by!” He drove off, and the villains carried Green Lantern away.


The three Teen Titans, having forgotten who they were while listening to a new album by the Legion of Funk, were unaware that copies of the record had been altered by the one-time Justice League hanger-on, er, sidekick, but no longer welcome by the Super Friends (or so he felt), who was standing just outside of Teen Titans Headquarters, snickering to himself.

“Snicker. I, Snapper Carr, one-time hanger-on, er, sidekick to the Justice League, who may not be welcome by the Super Friends (or so I feel), have used my recording engineering skills to alter the Legion of Funk’s albums, adding a special, subliminal message to make super-heroes forget who they are. Snicker.”

Meanwhile, inside, one of the youthful heroes who couldn’t remember his name said, “I can’t remember my name!”

The girl teenager then said, “I can’t remember your name, either. But look — our TV is conveniently on the news channel, and there are people dressed somewhat like us on the TV.”

They all looked at the TV.

“Three members of the Inferior Five have just captured notorious super-villain the Purple Plumador, number 8,999 on the FBI’s Most Wanted List. The Blimp, White Feather, and Dumb Bunny are the heroes of the day.”

“Oh,” said Dumb Bunny to the camera, “it was easy. We just happened to see him in the convenience store when we went in to get lunch. I was looking at a display of new lipsticks when he walked in.”

“Intending to rob the place, was he?” asked the newsman.

“Oh, gee. I don’t know,” Dumb Bunny said.

“Wow! One of them has a bow and arrows like me,” Speedy said.

“The fat one can fly. Look, I move real fast, and he moves real slow. Maybe I am his kid sidekick?” Kid Flash deduced.

“Gee, that would maybe make me Dumb Bunny’s sidekick,” Wonder Girl said. “Well, looking at my cool outfit, maybe I am!”

“We’ve got to find them!” Speedy said.

“But what are our names?” Wonder Girl asked.

Just then, a telephone answering machine picked up on an incoming call.

“Speedy, you there? It’s Ollie. I’m going to be out for a few days. See you when I get back.”

“Speedy? That must be me, because I am so fast!” Kid Flash proclaimed.

“Makes sense. Hmm. I am wearing red, so maybe I am Red Feather, son of White Feather.”

“Gee. Maybe I’m, oh, I am real smart, and my mentor isn’t, so maybe I am Smarty!”

“What’d I say my name was?” Kid Flash asked.



“No, Speedy,” Wonder Girl said. “Yeah, that’s it. OK, let’s go.” Then ‘Smarty’ asked, “Uh, hey, guys, did you hear a cat?”

They turned and saw a small orange cat with lightning bolts on its sides and a Superman cape attached to its collar. It was Whizzy the Supercat, who meowed a greeting at them.

“Oh, I didn’t know we had a cat!” ‘Red Feather’ said.

“Me neither,” said ‘Speedy.’


Meanwhile, members of the Legion of Funk were rehearsing before their big gig, and the Cheetah was busy practicing her scales.

“Do re me fa so la ti do!” she said.

Solomon Grundy scowled as he entered, wearing a huge furry vest and a Beatles wig. “Grundy like Southern rock. Play some Skynyrd!” he bellowed.

The Cheetah said, “Grundy looks like Ted Cassidy when he appeared on the episode of The Monkees, where they had to get their musical gifts back from a mad scientist’s creation!”

“Ted Cassidy?” said Black Manta. “The guy on the Partridge Family? I loved them! I always figured that if I took over the world, I would get them a Grammy or something!”

“No, Ted Cassidy was on the Addams Family,” said the Cheetah. “David Cassidy was on The Partridge Family… and he was dreamy! I copied his pooka shell necklace for my stage gear!”

Black Manta said, “You know, if I had known what a swell drum this helmet of mine makes, I would have gone into the music business years ago.”

They turned to see five colorful figures storm into the hall.

The three Magpies, the Corsair of Crime, and Topsy-Turvy Man pushed past a roadie dressed like the Trickster.

“We’re taking your spot. You punks messed with the wrong feather-clad females!” said the first Magpie.

Before the Host of Badness could attack, they found themselves floating in a strange light. They glanced left and right and noticed that their teammates were also present as well, while the Legion of Funk was nowhere to be found.

“Say, the Chocolate Baron, the Bureauc-Rat, Cooky La Moo, and all the gang are here now!” said the first Magpie.

Cheops-Bob the mummy said, “By what right have we been abducted from our most sacred sanctum… that is to say, our digs?!”

“What’s going down here?” Topsy-Turvy Man said. “Or do I mean up?”

An elderly woman in a faded flowered shawl stood before them and said, “Land sakes, you young’uns are a sight for sore eyes. I brung you all here without a proper come-to-meeting invite ’cause of a big ol’ problem that requires your help!”

The Chocolate Baron said, “Dear lady, we would gladly help, but we have a world to conquer. Why, back at our barn, Green Lantern himself is our captive.”

She pulled out a huge purse and reached inside to retrieve a pair of gleaming adamantium knitting needles and said, “I’ve freed that youngster and erased his memory of ever meeting you.” She began to use tools, and a clattering noise echoed as red light flooded the satellite.

The satellite seemed to shudder as dimensional doors opened, much like the automatic doors at the big supermarkets.

The old lady gestured and said, “We are facing a cosmic crisis like none other. I require your services to champion our cause. We must do battle with my rival, and she is fierce, indeed. Thus, I’ve plucked y’all to come help me. We may be gone for eons, but I cook well, and I do get cable!”

The Baron gasped as he realized all of his plans had been ruined. He could not fight the old lady’s awesome powers.

“Who are you?” he shouted as they blinked out of the known universe.

“Why, I’m the Monitor… Auntie Monitor!” she said.


Back on Earth, the Super Friends and the Legion of Doom continued their own actions as each group was drawn slowly into more wacky adventures. The Legion of Funk grew more popular, and their fame would eventually attract heroic attention.

To be continued?


(And soon.)

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