A Day in the Life of the Crisis
by Doc Quantum
When a large group of second-string characters gather in the same place, each told that they would find something they sought under a looming black cloud by the mysterious Wolf-Man of Earth-Prime, they can’t help but begin to wonder if they’ve been set up. And just how many ways can Immortal Man die, anyway?
Kole: Hey, what’s that big black shadow overhead?
Dove: I don’t know. Who cares? Want to hear some of my ‘beat poetry’?
Immortal Man: Hi, guys, what’s up?
BAM! Immortal Man suddenly gets killed by a falling meteor. A minute later, he reappears in a brand-new body.
Immortal Man: Damn that hurt!
Bug-Eyed Bandit: Hey, put your hands up, all you heroes, you!
Clayface: Yeah, we want all of Kole’s jewelry and Immortal Man’s ancient mystical gem — don’t make us go all medieval on your asses!
Suddenly, Starman III (the one from a distant planet) comes in and starts spouting what sounds like gibberish, but is really his native language.
Starman III: )(*W&$#Q*^$%Q#%@^#%&^@%)(@#^$%_^%#)(*@^#%)(@*#^%_%^*#%(!!!
Dove: Hey, watch it, potty-mouth! You kiss your mother with those lips?
Immortal Man suddenly rushes the two villains, but is shot by another couple of villains who suddenly arrive: Alexei Luthor of Earth-2 and Psimon. He dies and comes back in a new body a few seconds later.
Immortal Man: $#!^! Do you have any idea how much dying hurts? Man…
Luthor of Earth-2: All right, put your hands up, this is a robbery! We want this Starman’s staff and Immortal Man’s ancient mystical gem!
Psimon: Yes. Do as he says. We are indubitabuble geniuseseseses. Damn my stutter…
Tula (Aqualad’s girlfriend): Hey, fellow Teen Titans, what’s up?
Kole: We’re being robbed, apparently.
Tula: Oh, cool. Well, I’m completely useless this far from the water, so rob away!
Dove: Thank you for your help.
Immortal Man is suddenly hit by a car and is killed. Three villains jump out of the car, pointing their weapons at the heroes, while noting the other villains’ presence.
Mirror Master: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
The Icicle: Yes, we were planning on robbing these helpless heroes of their riches!
Maaldor the Darklord: Yes, their immortal souls! Bwa-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa!
As if on cue, Immortal Man returns from the dead in a completely new body once more.
Immortal Man: @%#&ing hell! I am so sick of getting killed and resurrected all the time! What is up with that?
The Green Arrow of Earth-2 suddenly comes in and sees the villains surrounding the heroes.
Green Arrow of Earth-2: Hey, what’s going on here?
The villains: It’s a robbery!
Green Arrow of Earth-2: Oh, well, I give up. All I can do is shoot trick arrows, anyways. Heh-heh. By all means, take my money!
Suddenly, a buzzing noise in the air begins as the sound like the transporter from Star Trek rematerializes Kid Psycho — the reserve member of the Legion of Super-Heroes from the 30th Century — into the group of heroes and villains.
Kid Psycho: Hello, 20th Century Earthlings! I am Kid Psycho from the future. Every time I use my telekinetic power, I take one year off of my life! So how are you all doing?
Immortal Man: We should talk.
Immortal Man is suddenly pierced through his chest by a green power beam, and dies.
Dove: Green Lantern?
Power Ring of Earth-3: No. I am Power Ring of the Crime Syndicate of Earth-3. And these are my associates — Ultraman, Super-Woman, Johnny Quick, and Owlman.
Johnny Quick: Hey, folks.
Immortal Man is suddenly resurrected in a new body, and he groans loudly.
Immortal Man: Crap. So let me guess: this is a robbery?
Power Ring: Hey, how’d you–?
Alexander Luthor of Earth-3: So there you are, you pesky Crime Syndicate, you! I’ve come to take you to justice! Oh, hello there, Luthor of Earth-2, my evil counterpart — how are you this fine dark day?
Alexei Luthor of Earth-2: Hello, my good counterpart! We’re in the middle of a robbery here.
Suddenly, half of the Guardians of the Universe show up.
Guardians of the Universe: Hello. We have come as we were summoned to. And we have brought pamphlets with us.
They hand out the pamphlets to all those present. The title: “SO YOU WANT TO BE A GREEN LANTERN? 10 things you should know first.”
As if on cue, a group of Green Lanterns show up, led by Tomar-Re.
Tomar-Re: Guardians?! What are you doing here?
Guardians: We were under the impression that there were some new recruits present.
Tomar-Re: First I’ve heard about it. Anyway, we’re back from our assignment in time and space.
Guardians: Uh… what assignment?
The Green Lanterns “beam” in several people from the past.
A group of grizzled soldiers from all types of American military pop up, as does a western-type gunfighter from the Old West.
Johnny Cloud: Hey guys, we’re, uh… y’know… we’re the Losers.
Captain Storm: Yeah, but don’t get thrown off by the name.
Gunner: The Losers wasn’t my choice for a name. Me’n th’ Sarge, here, wanted to be called Gunner and the Sarge and their Howling Commandoes, but did anyone else want to hear of it? NooOOOOooooo…
Sarge: Shut up, Gunner.
Pooch: Woof! Woof!
Nighthawk: Walllll, I’ll be plum-danged ten times this Sunday, if I ain’t in the feeyoooture! Nighthawk’s the name, and fighting outlaws’s muh game! Yee-hawwww!
Nighthawk shoots off a round of gunshots, and one hits Immortal Man in the head.
Immortal Man, 2 minutes later: AAAAARGGH!
Dove: Hey, what are you guys all doing here, anyway?
Green Arrow of Earth-2: I heard of a rumor of some kind of werewolf haunting this piece of land.
Tula: Hey, dude! That’s what I heard, too! Except I thought it was more like a wolf-man.
Dove: Werewolf, wolfman, same difference.
Starman III: (Q#&%Q*#&%*@&#%@#%^)@(#$^%)(@^#%)(^@#(%^Wolfman(*Q#&%@*#^%)(@^#
Dove: Do you want me to wash your mouth out with soap? I will, y’know!
Luthor of Earth-2: I believe you have heard wrong, foolish heroes. The great villain of Earth-Prime, Wolf-Man, revealed to us that riches could be found at this very spot, at this very time.
Marv Wolfman: Hey, guys, so you’re all here! Great.
Marv Wolfman: Oh, waitasec, I don’t see Supergirl or the Flash here, but I guess their time is coming soon enough, anyway. Too bad I couldn’t have tossed in a few more. Oh, well, there’s always Zero Hour. Ta!
Kole, Dove, Immortal Man, the Bug-Eyed Bandit, Clayface, Starman III, Luthor of Earth-2, Psimon, Tula, the Icicle, Maaldor the Darklord, Mirror Master, Green Arrow of Earth-2, Kid Psycho, Power Ring, Ultraman, Super-Woman, Johnny Quick, Owlman, Alexander Luthor of Earth-3, Johnny Cloud, Captain Storm, Gunner & Sarge, Pooch, Nighthawk, half the Guardians of the Universe, and a few Green Lanterns led by Tomar-Re suddenly look up as the black cloud they saw earlier looms closer and closer.
Immortal Man: We’re all going to die!
Green Arrow of Earth-2: Way to state the obvious.
Kole: Hey, how come when we die, we get maybe one panel showing our deaths, but when Supergirl and the Flash die, they get immortalized on the covers?
Robin of Earth-2 and the Huntress swoop in.
Robin of Earth-2: Hey, what the hell are we doing? There’s a damned meteor or something coming down on us.
The Huntress, tearing off her clothes: Oh, well, don’t let me die a virgin, Dick!
Robin of Earth-2: Mmm… OK. (Forgive me, Bruce!)
Robin of Earth-2 and the Huntress begin tearing off each other’s clothes and passionately make love. The others see this and decide to do the same with the moments they have left.
Bug-Eyed Bandit: Clayface, I’ve always loved you.
Immortal Man: Heh-heh-heh. They don’t know what they’re in for. Won’t they be sorry when they’re all dead, and I come back in a new body?
Marv Wolfman, from a distance: Oh, Im-mor-tal Maaaan…
Immortal Man: Yeah, Marv? What’s up?
Marv Wolfman: Sorry, pal, but your number’s up. We threw some anti-matter in that big black thing, which will kill your immortal soul permanently.
Immortal Man: Wha–? But, but…
Marv Wolfman: Don’t worry. In ten years you’ll come back as Mitch Shelley, the Resurrection Man, and everyone will have forgotten about you. Ta!
Immortal Man: Damn you, Wolf-Man! Dam yo–